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Removing temptation.

March 19, 2011

Finding a balance between determination and realisation that you are, in fact ill, is difficult. On one hand you have to push yourself through some debilitating symptoms, and its only through this unbreakable determination and a certain bloody mindedness that this is possible, but on the other hand, you have to draw the line somewhere and know when enough is enough, when something is too much, and ultimately when you are taking things too far. This is a conundrum that I’ve been fighting with for some months now, especially when it comes to driving!

Before I fell ill, I would drive on a daily basis, anything from long journeys visiting locations around the UK, to simply needing a car to make the daily tasks of living in a rural location a possibility – public transport isn’t exactly in abundance! When I became ill I hung up the keys and the car sat in the drive for months on end. Never have I missed anything quite so much. It wasn’t just the inability to drive, but the freedom that it gave me, instead it just sat there as a constant reminder of the lifestyle that I used to have.

Then with the possible diagnosis mentioned and a prescription of Bisoprolol to manage my heart rate whilst waiting for the appointment with London, I found that on the occasional day, there were times when my head was steady enough to drive. After such a long time, with the keys teasing me on the wall, I’ll admit that my bloody mindedness kicked in and I did get behind the wheel (albeit only for journeys that were only a few miles at a time). However, it soon became apparent that this wasn’t such a good idea and if I were to cause an accident, then I could never live with myself!

So to remove temptation, yesterday I made the ultimate and incredibly hard decision of getting rid of my car. Today I have emptied it out and it sits empty on the driveway awaiting collection. I know deep down that this is the “sensible” option, but I also know that i’ll inevitably regret it once it’s gone. However, by removing temptation, I won’t be able to make the mistake of getting behind the wheel. Fingers crossed London will have some answers and with the right meds, I can hopefully buy another car and drive again in the future.

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