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The Future…??

March 16, 2011

I’ve been so angry lately, and I mean uncharacteristically pissed off. Why me? what have I ever done? I guess it’s only human to be angry and upset, quite why anyone should have to deal with this debilitating illness, or any other for that matter, is quite beyond belief.

The realisation that I didn’t feel safe enough to drive was a big one. For someone that used to spend hours on the road, clocking up between 25-30,000 miles a year, you really do begin to miss driving. Deciding not to drive was hard enough, but being told that I’ll most definitely lose my licence until (if ever) they can medically prove that I am safe, just hammers the verdict home; it’s no longer a decision and all of a sudden any hopes and dreams for the future are just taken clean out of sight. These are hopes and dreams that have helped me think positively through some of the hardest times, and they’ve been pulled like a rug from under my feet, the prospect of what may be is completely blank.

If I’m honest, I’m truly scared at what the future now holds, how can I be a successful landscape photographer if I can’t drive? Will I ever feel good enough to climb a mountain again, or mountains aside, will I ever have enough energy to walk more than a few miles? Gone are the dreams of becoming an expedition photographer, and gone is the certainty that I can have any sort of success as a photographer.

Speaking to other sufferers has made apparent the harsh truth that my “lifestyle will change dramatically”. Even if I am allowed to drive again and can continue with the landscape photography, I don’t have the safety of home whilst out on the road. And what about those dawn and dusk shoots? My body is absolutely useless in the mornings and evenings! As it stands I’ve hardly touched the camera during those hours in the last 2 years, certainly nowhere near as much as I should have, or would love to have done, and anything that I have shot has mostly been during the day – not the best time for saleable images.

Now I eagerly await London, and even if I have to struggle to balance it with POTS, I just plain hope that my life as a professional photographer does have a future.

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